A week and a half ago my dad fell. It was the third fall in as many weeks but this one was bad and he went to the hospital via ambulance. Two days later, after numerous phone calls back and forth with my siblings, I bought a same-day flight to North Dakota. My dad spent a few more days in the hospital and then came home. My mom and I cared for him for another day and then, on Saturday afternoon, shortly after his siblings and his best friend had told him goodbye, my dad took his last breath.

My dad had been declining for over a year. Sixteen years ago he received a kidney transplant and while he did well and thrived for a long time, last summer he learned the kidney was shutting down. He was given 6-9 months and instead he got 13 months. He always was stubborn.

The week was heavy and emotional. My eyes were permanently swollen from crying and I had a headache that wouldn’t go away. I slept little and ate like crap. But every day I held my dad’s hand, I kissed his forehead, I stroked his face, I told him I loved him. I spooned ice into his mouth and at the end, I spooned morphine into his cheek. I injected meds into his catheter. I emptied his urine catch and I changed his dressings. I performed these tasks with love and heartbreak.

My dad was unresponsive the entire time but I believe he knew I was there. The first few days he opened his eyes and looked at me. He didn’t say anything but once, while looking at me, I swear he was trying to say I love you.

Each morning I would rise early and watch the sky as I drank my coffee. One morning, the sunrise was breathtaking. I thought of all the days my farmer father greeted the day before the sun rose. How he watched the sky lighten as he worked the fields or fed the cattle. In that moment, I felt at peace.

While death is always overwhelming and hard and painful, I’m grateful I had this time with my dad. I’m grateful I could be with him all week and be with him at the end.

I tried writing but the words wouldn’t come. I’ve written a lot about my dad in the past and so maybe, for now, I’ve written myself out of this. Maybe right now I just need to sit with the emotions. So here’s a poem I wrote a few years ago. (Originally published by Welter).