Though I don’t talk about it much, I was briefly married in my twenties. It didn’t work for a lot of reasons – I did things wrong, he did things wrong, we wanted very different things and were simply wrong for one another. Of course I can look back now and view it objectively and can easily say that we should have never married. Hell, we shouldn’t have even dated for as long as we did because there were so many glaring red flags in our relationship. But when you’re in love it’s very easy to ignore all of those things and to plunge into relationships naively believing they will work.

Even though divorcing was really the best thing for us, it still hurt like hell to go through it. The ending of a major relationship sucks. The heartache and pain and anger threaten to eat you alive, even if the relationship cannot be saved. I remember writing a blog post about needing help from my friends because I really felt like I was drowning. I titled that post In Case of Emergency, Break Glass. It was my way of reaching out for the support I really needed. Thankfully I have some of the most amazing friends and they rallied around me and helped pull me up.

A friend of mine is newly separated and going through a rough time. I reached out to her, giving her what little advice I had. She responded and said she remembered reading my blog when I was going through my divorce, and thinking how strong I was. I was honestly surprised by this because I certainly didn’t feel strong. Her words stayed with me and inspired this poem.

In Case of Emergency, Break Glass                ~For S

I remember uncontrollable

despair, eyes puffy from hours spent

not sleepy and exhaustive tears,

and wine consumed alone to console myself.

I remember the guilt weighing

like bones on my delicate frame.

I remember panic knocking at my heart

and loneliness squeezing me so tight

I couldn’t swallow.

I remember existing in a fog

of disbelief and shame and fear.

And then,

I remember emerging – 

slowly, carefully

pushing into the bright of the day

and eventually enjoying the warm sun

on my face.